Being a momma, that is.
As I mentioned yesterday, we're going through a "phase." I think that's putting it a little lightly. I said to T last night, "I've got to break this, before it breaks me."
Wow. Tough stuff.
I'm a stay-at-home mommy to an otherwise golden child. Since the day he was born, he has been absolutely amazing. a-mah-zing, as in I really hit the jackpot with this little booger. He's tiny, beautiful, mild-mannered, gentle, quiet, thoughtful, studies everything, cautious, a good sleeper, a good eater, entertains himself ... I mean the list just goes on an on. Not to mention this little guy has some blue eyes that could melt the sunshine. I mean, just look at him! He's just the joy of my days.
But I feel like the Lord (& Baby S) are testing me right now. He's at an age where he wants constant interaction. That's well and good, but it's just not feasible. I play with him plenty. He just wants to be with me. Playing with the puppy won't do, playing with Daddy won't do (unless he's in the right mood), and playing by himself certainly won't do. Just Momma. It's sweet, but enough to make you go crazy at times!!
Have you ever tried to cook dinner while a baby that can't stand up alone balances in between your legs? If your a mom, I know the answer, but still - it's hard! If I so much as act like I'm going to walk out of the room, BOOM - he's a step ahead of me with the water works and wailing.
Not only that, but he definitely does NOT like the word "No." He knows what it means, and he does notttt like it. So now I get tears every time I tell him to stop ... I don't know ... trying to stick flowers up his nose. I mean the child acts like I've just told him the world is ending tomorrow.
And you know what? Even though I can hear him crying practically in my sleep, every drop that falls from those big blue eyes absolutely breaks my heart. I'll tell him no, and his little lip starts quivering and those eyes seem to turn ten shades bluer and his little cheeks turn red ... oh my! I could just break down now! It's so sad, and it takes every bit of strength in me to not give in.
But I'm not exaggerating here when I tell you that for the last week, this child is crying about something or the other 24/7 unless he's sleeping. Seriously. Every five minutes, he's whining about something.
Basically, I need prayers. I know there are so many terrible injustices of this world, but in my little corner, we're just managing to tread water. I need the strength to stand firm so that I can teach this precious little boy respect and authority, while balancing love, nurturing, and self-worth.
Don't get me wrong, though. He is a blessing. Every night I look at him sleeping peacefully in his crib, and joy and pride overflow in my heart. He's perfect in every way (to me), and I wouldn't trade one temper tantrum for all the tea in China. He's my sweet little boy, and there's nothing he could ever do to make me love him one ounce less. There is nothing sweeter than sharing bananas and graham crackers with him or exploring the world outside or just cuddling with him (when he'll let me). Those moments are what life is about. Those are the moments that make everything peaceful and well in the world. It doesn't matter if they are many or few.
The Lord is teaching me patience. Everything in life up until this point has been so much instant gratification. You want something to change, then you change it! When you have a baby that needs to change some things, it is definitely not instant. It takes time and consistency. And strength. And a good, solid Rock to stand on (... or lean on ... on rest on).
I'm keeping the faith!
-M
ps. My green beans, squash, cucumber, and sweet basil all sprouted!! Woohoo!
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