Looking Back

I have a feeling the next two weeks on this blog are going to be very sappy.

My posts will definitely be all about this little boy. He is almost a YEAR OLD. I cannot believe how fast it's gone by, and it's making me so so so sad.

This picture was taken a few hours after his birth. We are in such awe of this beautiful baby boy.

We drove past the hospital where he was born. I got teary-eyed, and I wasn't even sure why.

I ask myself every day: Is he happy? Am I good enough Mommy for him? Do I hold him enough? Do I keep him safe enough? Am I teaching him enough? Does he know how much I love him? Am I soaking up every moment I can and enjoying each of his stages of babyhood?

I miss my teeny tiny baby. I miss how snuggly and warm he was. He always smelled so good. He hardly ever cried. He was so dependent.

Now, he's a big boy. He is independent. He doesn't have time to cuddle. At the end of the day when I kiss his little head, he smells like dirt and grasshoppers mixed with his scent that I know so well. Ch-ch-ch-changes.

I've loved every single stage he's hit. He is such a blessing. I guess looking back, I wish each had lasted longer. He is about to be a toddler. He's growing so fast, and I just want him to stay small. I want to hold him in my arms forever.

I don't want this world to harm him. I just love him so much. I'm crying as I type this because it's starting to hit me that time stops for no one. This year has passed in the blink of an eye, and they only get faster. Soon enough, he's going to be out in the world on his own. I hope that I teach him everything I know and more about how to make it out there. This world can be so dark and cruel, and I just can't put it into words just how overpowering my love is for him, and that I just want to keep him tiny and innocent. Naive. Safe.

There have been a lot of prayers. He is not mine. He is God's child, and only HE can truly protect my precious child. It's so hard to accept, but I have to. It makes me revel in the Lord to try to wrap my head around how much He loves my child. No one in this world can love Baby S more than Todd and I. And yet, God loves him more. That is so incredibly powerful. I cannot fathom it. It makes my head spin.

My baby boy is growing up.

WHAT DO I DO NOW??