Defintion of Heartbreak.

 

Saul is sick.  I don't know what it is or where he got it from.  It's making my heart break for him in a way you can only know from being a mother.  That isn't to sound elitist or holier-than-thou because I have a child.  It's something that cannot properly be put into words. 

In his 13 months of life, he's been sick about 4 times.  We're doing alright, as I was told that the average baby have 8 to 10 colds during their first two years of life.  

He was sick with a cold virus just two weeks ago. I don't know if this is just the same virus coming back to get him again or what.  

Since Saturday, he's been running an incredibly high fever.  That's it.  No other symptoms. Sunday night I even took him to the emergency room because the fever just would not come down.  They did blood work and a urine analysis to rule out scary stuff.  Took him to the doctor yesterday to follow up. It's just a little virus, but it's got him in a big way. 

He's finally eating and drinking and being a little more active, but it's been so hard to watch him suffer. I've asked God a million times to take it away from him.  Give it to me.  Please.  That's enough, Lord.  But deep down, I know that he needs these illnesses.  He needs them to make his little body strong so he can fight off bigger, scarier germs later on. 

But nothing -- nothing -- makes it easier to watch your child be so pitiful and listless. I'm sure this is way worse for me to watch than it is for him to live through.  I have to get a grip on it.  I know he's looking to me for strength, even at his tender age.  I just hate it.  I cry with him.  I pray for him.  I hold him. That's really all I can do.  I let him sleep.  I cuddle him when he wants to.  I let him eat all his favorite goodies.  I'm doing what I can. 

We're on day 4 of this nasty fever, and it feels like there's no end in sight. I know it will all be over  soon, but I can't wait to have my sweet little boy crawling around, walking, and getting into everything.  I know that will mean days of pulling my hair out again and wishing he would let me hold him like an infant again instead of squirming away, but that's okay.  I'll deal with it.  

I just love him so much.  Prayers for both of us would do wonders.